Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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