Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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