Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
