meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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