My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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