So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
