Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
