i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i dont even know how to be here
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize