One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
