Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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