babies were throwing up all over the place
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
