Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
