He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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