i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize