Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
