you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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