using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
