If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
