The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
