Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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