Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
