he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
