I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
this hospital has no fireball
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
