I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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