I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
