The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
