Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
