so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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