I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
