Just fell off a train. Bad.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
