i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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