I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
