Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
