gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We're too hungover to prance.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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