Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I need a burrito and a hug.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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