Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize