??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
