i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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