Don't you send me to vm
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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