Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
