You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I AM VODKA MAN
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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