I faked an abortion last night.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
