You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I'm sobbing to NWA
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
