my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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