His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize