Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
