you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
So squirting runs in the family.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
