The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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