ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
