I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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