mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
