saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
