either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
