Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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