I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
