I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
