Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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