Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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