Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
