I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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